the (dreaded) preschool application

It happened. This week I received a letter in the mail addressed to "The parents of Hannah Moore." It was from the school Lauren attends and our church. I had no idea what it could be. It honestly never crossed my mind that it could be. But it was. A preschool application. What???? Instant panic. Instant anxiety. Instant tears. All sorts of thoughts are racing through my head. She is too little, this can't be right. Now listen, it's not that it has never dawned on me that next school year would be when Hannah should start preschool. We have talked about it in the past. Talked about where we would send her. However, I pushed that to the back of my mind and obviously refused to fully acknowledge it. Instantly, I knew exactly where we were going to send her. It was without question. Our two options have always been Lauren's current school or where Lauren went to preschool in Chesterton. Lauren's preschool without question. The reason that decision was easy is because the teachers there are some of my best friends. They know Hannah, Hannah knows them. It's a drive now that we are moving to Valpo but an easy decision. Plus as a bonus, if I don't end up actually leaving the school until January, they will be more understanding. But back to the panic, anxiety and tears. I say to Jamie that we really don't even need to send her. I can teach her what they will, right? Jamie's reply, "you can also put a brick on her head and she will never grow." Fine. And really, its not so much that I dread dropping her off, that her days with me are over. It's more that part of my life being over. When I thought about my life growing up, this is what I envisioned. A mom to little kids. I never thought past it. Honestly, never have.. simply because I didn't want to. I still don't want to. So, yes, it's all about me. Don't get me wrong, I was super sad when Lauren started preschool. She was my only child and it was sad. I missed her. But it was a different sad. I knew she wouldn't be my last child. Even if we had to adopt, we would have another child. Plus, being an only child and living on a farm, Lauren needed the socialization and I was excited for her to get that.

It's the same reason why I won't take the passy from Hannah. Or make her go poop in the potty. I could take her passy's. She would be fine. I let Lauren have hers until she was 3. I planned to do the same with Hannah. And about 6 months ago I started limiting the passy use. But now that the time is coming I have been giving it to her more. How ridiculous is that? The thought of never having passy's again makes me want to cry. She pee's in the potty fine. Completely pee trained. She wants to poop in a diaper. She comes to us and says she wants a diaper. We put a diaper on her, she goes into her bedroom, takes a dump and comes out saying she is done. I have let this continue to happen. I don't fight her on this. Why? Because it keeps her little. I know what everyone is thinking and some of you have even said. "Have another one." I could, and we might. But at some point I have to face this fear. I have to move on. I have to embrace the next chapter. But for now, she's still 2, the preschool application isn't due yet and I'm going to hold her a little tighter for as long as I can.